Monday, January 28, 2008

Teach your children well, Their father's hell did slowly go by*

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

We sat around the half circle table as the children worked on their pictures. The assignment was to draw what you want to be when you grow up. I looked at their faces as they told me in all their excitement what they wanted to be. Some of my kids go home to some rough places where the attention is not only not on them but much of their dreams are generated by their own little hearts. So my heart was just warmed by their answers.

"I want to be a policeman."

"I want to be a fireman." said Danielle. "You can't be a fireman, you are a girl!" said one of the boys. Danielle was quick to ask the Firefighter who visited my room if girls could be Firefighters. He said, "Yes, we have one at our station." Danielle beamed.

"I want to be a Farmer and a Fireman."

"I want to work at Tige' boats."

"I want to be a Doctor."

"I want to make Robots."

"I want to be a Teacher."

We all had so much fun dreaming and I prayed that along the way there would be those who would foster these dreams and show them the possibilities.

Then one of my boys, whose Dad is in Jail,was drawing and looked at me and said, "I am going to be in Jail for a little while." I looked at him and said, "No, you don't have to go and be in Jail for a little while." We looked at each other for a long time and then he said, "Okay, I'll be a Doctor."

*From "Teach Your Children" by Crosby, Stills and Nash

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Now the distance leads me farther on, thougsons I once had are gone*h the rea

The man behind the counter, at the Muffler place, was entering my information in his computer..he asked, "Do you have a spousal unit?" "No, I don't" I stammered out, then someone hit the pause button and we both looked at each feelings,a bit embarrassed, but his face showed compassion....push play..."Well, do you have an address?",he continued...I smiled, "Now that, I do have."

There are moments where reality hits you and those moments can happen in the most unexpected places. Going to a new Doctor entails the filling out of the forms...pages and pages. ...questions you can't answer and some you can....its the first time I have checked the Divorced box and it caused some emotions to surface; some which I thought I had been able to file away. I have heard talk about grieving as a time period where you can be somewhere, not expecting it, then boom, you are slammed in the face with the remembrance of loss. I will never get use to checking that box because never did I believe I would have to.

I must say that I wouldn't take anything for what I have learned on this path though at times it seemed relentless...I am making it to the other side. Thanks to all who have hung in with me and showed me what true washing of feet can be..

*From "Farther On" by Jackson Browne

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Doctor, doctor, give me the news....*

"You have two tears in your Meniscus."...blank stare...wondering whether I want to know what a Meniscus is. After sitting in a room filled with people dependent on their walking paraphernalia to get them to the magazine rack I am left not feeling too optimistic like. "No, we'll just go in and clean it out." The "going in" has me a bit troubled since I'm still left wondering what my Meniscus is. The Doctor senses my uncomfortability and begins an explanation that wants for some visual aids. But I finally get it, and its all good. So when everyone flies off to the mountains to ski or heads to South Padre for Spring Break I will be getting my Meniscus cleaned out. Oh yeah and the great insurance I have with the school system will need a $600 deductible....ouch..that walleticus!

*From "Bad Case of Loving You" by Robert Palmer

Friday, January 11, 2008

My knee hurts. I have always felt a bit invincible. I can run, I can bicycle and I had been doing a weight training class and Yoga but...I did something to my knee along the way and the brace and the rest is not making it go away. I made a Doctor's appointment. Its on Tuesday and I just may keep it. (the appointment that is) I don't get sick and don't do doctors which I know is stupid. Sam thinks its really funny because I may get an MRI and I am very....claustrophobic. Sam has been through a couple of MRIs and bone scans and he described it to me. Maybe the Doctor has some medication which would alleviate the mass phobias that preside in my psyche and the mere remembrances of the enclosed tomblike experience. I found out that psyche is really a word and can pertain to the conception of myself or a Canadian Dark synthpop band.

So, all that to tell you about what happened today.....

All my students were busy working in their Centers when I stepped on a lego and my leg twisted and well, my knee of course too. The pain was unbearable and I was surprised by my tears. My Assistant was out of the room. I sat down in the rocking chair and tried to stop crying. I looked around and noticed that all my students had stopped what they were doing. Many of them gathered around me and some just peeked around watching me with awe...kinda like..oh Ms. Mann cries too. The crowd around me were the ones who were most concerned. One little girl was wiping away tears and the others looked at me with the most sophisticated compassionate faces a little 4 year old could put on. Then my sweet little Antonio, who is one of my behavioral challenges of the class whose Father is now in jail, looked at me then looked around at those gathered around and said, "We need to pray for her." Another little girl chimed in, "Yeah, we need to pray." Let me tell you the tears poured even more. I was sitting smack dab in a holy moment. I looked at Antonio and told him I would never forget that moment for the rest of my life.