Disappointments..
Warning...honest blog ahead...proceed with caution.. I am disappointed. I am disappointed in a person that is in my life everyday. One person, that's it..I can deal with all manner of humans but this one person slaps me with disappointment almost everyday. How to deal? I am at a lost. I am tired of this feeling of helplessness. This person hurts or neglects others around me and I guess that is what bugs the life out of me. I seem be going along dealing with my world and just loving the people in my life then boom...the disappointment is cast for the day. Most people would say to talk to this person..been there and done that...some say trust this person...how? I trust and then boom..so I trust again and boom...its good for awhile and then its gone. This person is such an intregral part of my life and that is why I must find a way to deal with it. Maybe I am shallow..but somewhere in my heart I feel I don't deserve this. Some people say to get rid of toxic people that are poisoning your life, but is that what I am to do as a Christian? I am not depressed today, I am just bewildered, frustrated, maybe fearful that this is what my life will be like..I have amazing people in my life and have amazing opportunities placed before me but I just seem to, after the initial disappointment of the day, feel like I am trying to walk through this mire. Like I am trying to walk upright against the strong current of this ocean. So, there is my heart today. Have you ever had to deal with a continual disappointment in someone knowing they would always be in your life? Got any suggestions...okay, "give it to God" is a great one but how do I do that?..just need some specifics..
I just ran into the Dollar Store to get Sam batteries for his CD player.The Dollar Store has really cheap batteries and really real people that frequent that store. The man on the other side of the counter reeked of cigarette smoke,lines drawn around his mouth by the artful placement of his cigarette, his voice was raspy, and his breathing signaled need for placement of oxygen in the near future. I paid him my two dollars and he looked at me and said, "Have a good day, 'preciate ya." I melted. I love people. I think I am going back to tell him thank you.
"Build this house with me." ~Life As A House~
Okay, taking a break from studying...These are three of my all time favorite movies. They are movies about realness. I think I may take a study break this weekend and watch one of them. You know those movies that just leave you wanting to be a better human being... I mean the ones where long after the movie is over you are still sitting there, on the couch, crying...I love movies..maybe I am an escapist..hope not..I am just intrigued by people and their emotions and their reactions to life. I have lots of other movies that I love:
Man In The Iron Mask...To Kill a Mockingbird....Gladiator....Band of Brothers...Hanging Up....The Green Mile....Places In the Heart....Monty Python and the Holy Grail...What Lies Beneath...The Mission...O Brother Where Art Thou.....Forrest Gump...Garden State..
Just a few...I am sure when you start naming your favorites, I will remember mine!
Get me motivated....now!!!
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don’t know how to take them.
Inspiration’s getting hard to fake it.
Concentration’s never hard to brake it.
Situation never what you want it to be.
~Sum 41~
Okay, I have a severe case of senioritis. I am really struggling with getting things done and there is going to be a major project pile-up on Interstate Beverly, pretty soon. So, my blogging buddies, help me out here. Speak motivational words, to me. Words that will encourage me to get my butt in gear. Aww...come on you guys, I can always count on you!!hahaha..I just heard a train whistle, Candy.....
"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?" ~Mitch Hedburg~
Whitney and a friend came over last night to watch King Kong. Okay, here's the deal...they end up on this island with giant bugs and dinosaurs. You know that little girl on the ring?...that's what the natives looked like. It was all so unrealistic and we laughed at how stupid it was at times. So, how in the world did we end up crying at the end? Whitney said, "Mom, this is so sad." Through my tears I am saying , "Honey, its just a monkey."
I don't know what the girl's name in the movie was, I'll just call her the girl. The girl in the movie had been left by everyone in her life. She had hit rock bottom. She was hungry, needed a job and desperately needed someone to love her. Here is this giant gorilla who, after abducting her, saved her from the dinosaurs and stood by her in danger. They made a trust connection and it was cool. Its said that everyone needs a hero. Man, there is just something about someone fighting for you.
I think about our hero, Jesus. He fought for us to His death. I know when I saw The Passion, I kept telling myself, "He's doing that for you...He is walking that road for you, Beverly." I mean He was the Gladiator for us ..He was BraveHeart and He is my hero....
Where words fail, music speaks. ~Hans Christian Anderson
Last night, a handful of us were standing outside a coffeehouse, talking about music.We were all telling what concerts we had been to in our lives, as if we were sharing with each other badges of honor. Geoff saw Jimi Hendrix in concert. In my book, he won the pot.(probably not a good word at this point)One of my friends has recently come clean that she was a punker. So..she was excited to tell me she saw The Ramones and okay the Killer Darts..or something like that. Clint said he didn't get to go to concerts but he watched The Midnight Special. Merlin said he saw the Mamas and the Pappas! I was telling Sam, the other day, that I never got floor seats at concerts, but I always ended up on the floor.(not literally, Clint) I was skilled at sneaking by the security. Those were the best of times and the worst of times. I was lost..that's for sure...
My Badges:Bob Dylan
Loggins and Messina (last tour together)
Doobie Brothers
Heart
Jerry Jeff Walker
Asleep at the Wheel (several times)
Willie Nelson (He signed my belt.)
Harry Chapin with only a stool and guitar..amazing
James Taylor
Seals and Croft
Grand Funk Railroad
Bloodrock
Steppenwolf
Music has been a big part of my life. I have done my homework to music, cleaned my house to music, cooked to music, driven to music, laughed to music, sang to music and oh man, cried to music...I think we were created to sing, dance and laugh!!
So...let me hear who you guys have seen in concert?
I am really excited. I am reading a new book, Blue Like Jazz. My daughter read this part to me and told me I needed to read this book. She said, "Its about redemption, Mom. You and Dad need to read it."God bless her heart....she's right.Blue Like Jazz
"I once listened to a Indian on Television say that God was in the wind and the water, and I wondered at how beautiful that was because it meant you could swim in Him or have Him brush your face in the breeze. I am early in my story, but I believe I will stretch out into eternity, and in heaven I will reflect upon these early days, these days when it seemed like God was down a dirt road, walking toward me. Years ago He was a swinging speck in the distance; now He is close enough I can hear His singing. Soon I will see the lines on His face."
Getting Real..................
"Let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are."
~Garden State~
Here's Whitney about to rappell off a cliff in Tennessee. I remember the first time I went climbing and rappelling. A group of us went from Abilene. Bobby Woods was our fearless leader. Our first day out, he pointed to a cliff we were to climb then rappell down. I watched as others made their way up the cliff. Each step, each desperate search for a foothole, was intentional. It was my turn. They put the billay (sp?) line around me. This line would be used to pull me up or catch me if I fell. At that point, precautions made me suspect of the danger I was embarking on. I looked up and saw my leader. Bobby was smiling, so sure that I could do it, so I proceeded. I made my way up the cliff, breathless and afraid but telling myself to just find the next foothole and make it up this cliff. At one point, I slid for about 15 feet, leaving me a bit bloody and terrified, wanting to go home now..but I kept going. I made my way to the top reaching for Bobby's hand to pull me over the last step. I stood there looking out over where I had come from and was amazed. Now, I am to rappell. Bobby says, "Just sit back and let go of the rope." What?..I am telling you, it goes against every sensible bone in your body. I trusted Bobby. I dangled like a spider from its web over a cliff and let go.......I loved it...Most everyone went back to camp after they did there climb and rappell but me and two others hiked the back of the cliff and Bobby let us rappell many more times. I am not sure what brought such joy. I had overcome a fear...I had accomplished something or maybe... I had completely put my trust in someone else and it brought me joy.
I am thinking, these days, if I have completely put my trust in God...Is there a last leap of vulnerability..?
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. Psalms 56:3
My son wore a tie to church yesterday. My son's usual church attire consists of cargo shorts and a polo shirt. He had a friend spend the night, on Saturday night, and they decided to wear ties to church. First, you must understand that my son is coolness. As we were walking out, to go to church, he said, "Mom, I'm scared." I sensed he was questioning the coolness of the tie. I told him the tie looked awesome on him and he went in to church and survived it. He even told me he wanted to go buy a tie.
I was moved when Sam told me he was scared. I thought, wow, now that, is the ultimate coolness, to be able to say, "I'm scared." Do you have a safe place to just blurt out, "I'm scared." I have an amazing small group, from church, where I have found that safe place. We are a collection of some disfunctional people who are taking real joy in finding each other. Sometimes, when I am sitting in church, with everyone dressed to the nines and smiles on their faces, I just want to walk up to the microphone and ask, "Are you scared?" Realness is coolness and that...is what that Galilean is all about.
"Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
a wise man asked me yesterday, "have you forgiven your father?" it was so random, that i was caught off guard. he said, "if you have to think about it, then you have not."
man, i thought i had...but when this question brought tears to my eyes, i supposed that he just might be right.
i have lots of things to think and pray about......
The water is wide,
I can't cross o'er
And neither have I wings to fly
Build me a boat that can carry two
And two shall row, my love and I
I cant' find who wrote this song. This is one of my favorite songs. I have heard alot of different artists sing this song. I listen to James Taylor sing it, as I sit at my computer.
Do you ever feel the water is wide and you have no answers? I love this song because the author has found the remedy to a very overwhelming situation. You need a boat and someone to help you row it...
So what or who do you guys think the boat represents and what of the two rowing? You tell me what your interpretation is then....I'll tell you mine..
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am
~Nicole Nordeman~
I am graduating in just a couple of months. I have been surrounded by cheerleaders that have made my, stepping on each rock in the creek, a little less frightening. I am almost done and seriously it blows my mind. I called my Mom, today, to ask her if she would hood me. Let me tell ya, with me graduating and my Mom on the floor with me, this may not be a graduation you want to miss. All Sam's middle school buddies are saying they are coming to yell for me. My brother called me from Hong Kong, yesterday, and wondered
if ACU would have a grad cam set up, so loved ones, far away could be there via internet. I think I am going to videotape the entire experience including the walk up the steps and across the stage. This is something that I never thought I would accomplish..this is it..this is my Everest...but the funny thing is, I still think I will get two steps away from the stage and someone will call a halt!
I will deluge you all with grad pics...I covet your prayers as I finish this race...
It was journaling time in Mrs. Reese's Kindergarten class. I snuggled close to Kelsie watching her draw her picture in her journal. I had spent the last few weeks interning in this class. She drew a picture of herself, methodically coloring her skin the appropriate brown color. I watched as she drew me with her and the flowers. She held her arm next to mine and asked, "What color are you?" I looked down at my skin and said, "Well, I am kinda pink." She looked deeply into my eyes, smiled, picked up her brown crayon and whispered, "I am going to color you brown." I felt so honored that Kelsie welcomed me into her world. What she was saying, I think, was that we are the same color.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
Lord, help me to be like Kelsie.
“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers." William Shakespear
...........
This is my brother Mark. His name is adventure. He looks for it everywhere. He is my hero. He was there when my father wasn't. He bought me a 10 speed bike with the money he recieved from Kentucky Fried Chicken because he got enfentigo (sp?), when he was in high school working there. True story...
He was a great football player at Spring Branch High School but quit to help my mother pay the bills. I have great memories with my brother. There was this time I helped him move to California, to teach in Fresno. We were crossing the Mojave desert in, yes, a volkswagon van. I drove as Mark struggled to learn House of the Rising Sun, on his guitar. He became a missionary in Thailand. I went to visit him and he took me on lots of adventures. We swam in the gulf of Siam, snorkled at Kohn Phi Phi Island (where Leonardo de Caprio filmed The Beach), we hiked one day and happened up on a Temple, carved into the rock, with a floor of alabaster marble and priests in bright orange attire. He got me to jump off the top deck of a boat into a scarey dark ocean. It seems there is nothing I wouldn't do, this side of legality, with him just saying, "Come on Bev, you can do this!" Noone else in my life has ever or will ever be able to have that calling to my heart. Mark and I survived something and continue to survive the repercussions of that something, but with my brother in my life I feel stronger.
Oh dear................I take a practice state certification test tomorrow...Please pray at 1:00...don't know what time that is Hawaii time, Scott?
I read something written by Landon Saunders today and thought I would share it with you.
A critical part of winning is learning to laugh. It takes a long time to learn to laugh – some people say it can take as long as forty years. I know I've laughed a lot more since I've turned forty!
I've read that, in some Zen monasteries, the novices are trained in laughing. When they first get out of bed in the morning, they have to stand up immediately, get in this clownish stance, and then laugh as loud and as hard as they can laugh – at themselves.
As I read that, I thought, "I don't think I've ever done that." As I thought about it, I couldn't remember whether I had ever laughed immediately upon awakening. I thought, "I'll try it."
Well, the first morning, I forgot! But the next morning I remembered it. And as soon as I woke up, I got up, got into the most ridiculous position possible, and laughed -just as loud and as deep as I could. It felt a little awkward and strange, but it sure woke me up. Afterwards, I walked lightly across the room; I felt lighter all day.
Do you ever imagine Jesus and the apostles sitting under an olive tree just busting a gut laughing? Sam started laughing during his prayer once and I stopped and laughed with him. I told him that God just had to be funny because we are made in His image and what is it that we want to do or make someone else do..laugh!I wish you all laughter today. Just start laughing at the oddest places and see what people do.
